Geiriau o Hiraeth

7:20pm: An Update - now with added happy... :)

So, the last time I was talking to you in more than Twitter snippets I was going on about my knees and that. I now have other news. I’ll try to divide it into categories so that you can skip the bits you’re not as bothered about...! :)

Health and that


The hench exercises have been working, it appears, and I’m able to get further faster without the stick, and also experience less pain, swelling, etc., along with shorter “downtime” when I’ve pushed them a bit too far. This had been building for a while, but final evidence came very recently: this weekend just gone saw me strolling with relative rapidity along the seafront at Brighton. Brighton includes hills. Haven’t seen much hillage in a while. Maybe it was the fresh sea air. Maybe it was a quantum wellness leap that was waiting to happen. Maybe it was a combination of happiness at being by the seaside and seeing a bunch of my friends for some RRRants performancey action for the Brighton Fringe. It probably wasn’t Sunday night’s rum, coz I was doing most of that before then... Either way, I spent more time carrying than using the stick (though some of the hills definitely required it), and I feel like I’ve turned a big old corner.

All I need to do now is make sure I don’t bloody push it, in my standard fashion, and set my wobbly joints back another bunch of weeks/ months.

(They’re a bit swollen right now, truth be told - I think that final hill back to the train station + walking from town this morning due to lack of buses may have been a bit much...)



Work


I can now officially announce that I will be taking on a new job - a 10 month “secondment” to the UAT (User Acceptance Testing) Team. Same pay grade, but a chance to get my geek on with a vengeance. :) So: the next few weeks will be tidying up the current job, and writing everything that I do down, with diagrams. I am trying not to be too much, but I am VERY excited! :D



Poetry Stuff



• Hammer & Tongue

We’ve been going strong on the old H&T in Cambridge - lovely (and plentiful) audiences, fab headline acts, stunning slammers, and generally just a lovely atmosphere in our new home, The Fountain. The National Final in London in March was everso exciting - though no win for Cambridge, we represented well, I reckon. :D


• Allographic

This is my own label, and I’m inordinately proud of and terrified for it. I imagine that parenthood feels like this (a bit). We have monthly nights, a magazine (Small Word: Issue #2 of which is out on Monday!), a somewhat desultorily-updated website (sorry - it’s on the list), and - even more terrifyingly - a three-week run at the Edinburgh Fringe. It’s going to be AMAZING, and I’ve already lined up some fabulous female poets to run this with me, as well as some great feature acts already. It’s going to be wonderful. Exhausting, exhilirating, expensive, extraordinary... And I suspect there’ll be some surprises in there (not half). More news as that develops.

Not only will we be hosting Richard Tyrone Jones’s Cambridge leg of his Big Heart Tour, we had a show at the inaugural River Rhymes (Ely Poetry Festival), which was ace to get involved with, and we’re also going to have two separate half-stages (wait) at Strawberry Fair. We’ll be punting light, family-friendly poetry in the Mad Hatters’ Café between musical acts; and darker, more meaty stuff in the tent we’re sharing with Rebel Arts called “Peddling Words”- the poetical, political, and philosophical, all bike-powered! I suspect I won’t see as much of the Fair this year... :)


• Solo Stuff

After a big dearth, where people mostly only seemed interested in getting me on board as an organiser/ provider of other poets, I’ve been getting an increasing number of requests for my presence at festivals, gigs, and even feature slots (sometimes I get paid, even). After an uncomfortably long dry period, I am writing new stuff, and some of it even works...



Music


Not only have I been singing and banging my mini-djembe with various bands involved with the RRRants Collective (e.g. Dodobones and The Caution Horses - who will both be joining us at Strawberry Fair), but - as anyone who is at all bothered by Twitter and my place on it, or in Facebook and similar, will have seen via some very exctable updates - I have joined a Very Good Choir. I have been on the waiting list for this particular choir for about two years, and... well, and I’m currently enjoying a month’s trial with The Cantus Singers. I am ridiculously happy (and, again, nervous) to be Singing Proper again. It’s been a long time.



Campaigning


I have been slowly getting more active in the political. Very slowly. I help to produce the monthly “Rebel Arts Women’s Radio” show on Cambridge 105FM. I’ll be involved in the Peddling Words tent at Strawberry Fair, and I’ve been becoming slowly more explicitly vocal about injustice in my poetry and courtesy of some new friends made by the curious catalyst of being a cane-user on a bus. Not sure what else to say about this yet - it’s very fledgling, but important to me. Watch this space, I guess. :)

And that’s it for the moment. I always say that I’ll update more frequently in future but... well... my track record on that has been rubbish, so I’ll not. I’ll just say: see ya. Hope you’re well! :)

10:59am: I See... Probably...

So, for the last nigh-on 6 months I've been a bit buggered in the knee department. They hurt, got tired easily, and generally made my life miserable and limited.

The diagnoses have been… varied.

1. My doctor had this idea that it was arthritis — seemed very pleased with himself too. That smugness was only topped by that which later accompanied «it's not these types of arthritis, but may be others — who knows?!» The notion that it was «very unusual» for someone of my age to have arthritis didn't exactly comfort me — after all, I'm renowned for my «unusual» health, up to and including things so unusual for my age (melon-sized fibroid, anyone?) that they've ended up in medical textbooks. Yay me. I asked: «What else should I be doing to get better, then?» So he said: «Well, you could refer yourself to this NHS Physio — I've checked them out and they seem pretty good. Here's a form. Bugger off.» I paraphrase.
2. It can take up to 12 weeks to see NHS Physios. I spent spent about 9 of them getting good with the cane and with explaining to passing colleagues that no I wasn't better yet/ no, no-one really knew what was wrong. I also got good at saying 'yes please' when people offered to carry stuff. Shallower learning curve than the cane, frankly. An agonising trip to the physio later and I was told I should be cycling more (one of the things I'd done daily then stopped because it hurt so much it felt like my kneecaps were literally falling off). I was told it «almost certainly» wasn't arthritis (thanks) and that it was more likely to be a facet of my hypermobility. His face seemed to suggest that the symptoms didn't really hang together in a usual way and that this was frustrating to him. The next person I saw at least gave me some exercises to do, but was generally vague as well and told me off for not cycling. When I saw her again, she gave me a couple more and told me to go to the gym, where they'd give me some proper exercises to do. I was confused — surely that was her job?! By this point I was ready to try other routes, and took up C's recommendation to talk to a private physio. I figured: either they'll tell me to keep going (and cycle more), or they'll tell me something different. Either way, I win.
3. If you can afford private physiotherapy in Cambridge, let me take a moment to recommend Mrs. MacLeod of 134 Gilbert Road. She spent a huge amount of time listening, before prodding, twisting, and testing. She used the word «unusual» approximately 12 times during that first consultation, but she also gave me a) some explanations of what she was looking for and how, b) some ultrasound therapy, c) some massage therapy, d) some decent advice. Through her, we also came to a conclusion — the reason it's all so unusual is that it's several different things which all happened at once. This is a decent pair of knees, relatively structurally sound, which need some attention. On going to see her again (after she'd excitedly rung me with a theory for why one of the symptoms was presenting — I need to lock my knees when standing, the complete opposite of the advice the NHS Physio had given), she gave me some decent (i.e. bloody difficult) exercises to do, having dismissed the ones I'd already been given as «effete». So, instead of limply raising my legs in the air a few times, I'm doing 20+ reps of some crazy, hardcore leg exercises at full extension/ flexion of various joints. Unlike the NHS physio, who wanted me to move inside very comfortable ranges and never experience pain doing exercise, Mrs. MacLeod suggested that, actually, pain needs to occur, and here's why… My understanding, based on what she said and what I experienced (i.e. this is partly my non-expert opinion mixed in), is that I'd done two things wrong, as far as I can tell — on experiencing the first symptoms in August/ September, I hadn't stopped and rested and sought some advice. Instead I pushed through and, when whatever the weird all-over pain thing was occurred, it all meant that everything just got a bit fucked. Then, because I was scared of fucking it more and because doing stuff that took my weight hurt, I did very little that would take my weight. Add to this some poor advice from other experts and lo: feeble Fay, with some kind of chronic pain issue due to sheltering the fucked bit, bursitis from something or other, and general fatigue due to a) being hypermobile, b) not being able to make up for HM because my muscles were feeble due to not challenging them.
4. Before going back to see Mrs. M to get that package of hench new exercises, I had another appointment with the NHS physio, who gave me orthotics — built-up insoles to take care of the fact that my foot arches are now pronate, which gives my knees weird torsion. Since this is apparently something which is pretty much inevitable for HM people, it would have been nice to a) get some warning when I was first diagnosed HM, b) have had that checked when I first when in with this. You know: happy, but gah!
5. And so the hench new exercises, including an exciting held pose that at home is variously called «Shazam!», «jazz hands», or «Iron Man». On top of that, leg lifts, crunches, oblique exercises and weird, Pilates-like moves. Since mastering those, I've also added press-ups and tricep dips back into my routine, and burn with the smug fire of self-induced pain. Yay!
6. Today I went to see the NHS Physio for what is apparently the last time. I bottled out of telling her that I'd been cheating on them with Mrs. M, though did allude repeatedly to «other exercises» I'd been doing. She professed herself «impressed» with my progress, told me to do squats as well from now on, get back into cycling, and bugger off. I paraphrase. Despite finally finding what Mrs. M had described as bursitis, she said there was nothing I could do and that — like all HM symptoms, it was going to flare up and down again for the rest of my life. Use pain killers, rest, and cold compress.

So, what now? It feels odd — like I was halfway to getting somewhere, then discharged before actual completion could be seen. Maybe that's what they're supposed to do — I dunno. Apparently, if I'm prepared to pay extortionate amounts, I could get a personalised set of orthotics made up for me. Research suggests any of of a number of treatments for bursitis: rest (too late!), elevation, cold compress, hot-and-cold massage, ultrasound, and steroids injected into the site. And the only comfort anyone has ever been able to offer for HM has been: don't worry — as you get older you get stiffer, so it'll be less of a problem!

Wheee.

I will keep going with the exercises until I'm ready for short bike rides; maybe I'll even crack into the gym for the exercise bikes. I will also just keep doing the exercises. Probably forever. I'm considering going back to Mrs. M for some ultrasound, and I'm trying not to clang with the «this is it for the rest of your life, just with more pain and risk of wear-and-tear arthritis and other joint injury to come.» I'm sick, sometimes, of being «unusual.» I mean, sure — I'm unusual in all sorts of good ways too, and maybe I'd just be spoiled if I only had the good bits. All my rubbish health things are, taken individually, pretty small and non-life-threatening. If I can get to the stage of not needing a cane anymore, the most obvious one will be under control. Cumulatively they can get a bit tiring, though, while being individually very little to complain about. Not that I want to be complaining, just that feeling like I'm worth social support for how I'm feeling would be nice.

Seriously — sometimes this Protestant work ethic guilt thing is a pain in the arse.

Ach. It's good to get things off your chest sometimes. And I have, after all, being doing a lot of the right things. It's just that I have very little budget not to do them, all the time, and that's the tiring thing, I guess. I laughed at Mrs. M when she talked about a need to balance physical health stuff in life. Later, when the allergies, asthma, vertigo, etc. came out, she laughed too.

And maybe that's the key, after all.

Thanks for listening, folks. :) Have yourselves a good however long until I talk to you next.

6:21pm: Fate On Hold

I'm going to be writing more poetry, and posting more Stuff this year. I'm not doing Resolutions as such, but I am constructing wishlists and to-do lists.

And do you know him?
Sure, you must have seen him
Even met him, or his kin.
Not a quiet life, his – soaring and diving
On a platform made of fear and desire
Clinging to the gifts his father gave him
Tattered now, but still part of his definition.

He knows the wet and angry depths,
The steps that falter down
In the wake of flight,
And the moans that escape
Biting his tongue too late
As the fall pulls bile from his wretched throat,
Poison pouring out, thick as blood,
Tearing tender membranes,
Scorching the fingers of those he falls through.

So he thinks: soar! Get as high as you can.
Gall falls transformed from burning heights,
Lights those up-turned faces,
Graces them with the gift of altitudes
While they’re glued to the ground,
Impounded by a lack of wings.

He sings, striving higher,
Feeling as though his sins are scoured
By speed, the shriek of winds,
The glare of the sun.

Never look down,
Eyes fixed on a prize
Eluding fingertips,
Slipping like ice as the heights turn cold,
Boldness freezing in thin air and, hanging there,
Before the wind-rush returns
He’ll hear, like crystal, his father’s voice,
Feel the weight of its message.

But he waves it off, flailing at the words buzzing
And broken he plummets, eyes burning,
Hands clasped to block out the sounds,
The screams he sees as laughter,
The sighs he knows as judgement,
And after: as the waves close over his head
Again, he drowns in the echoes of his own regrets
Until he kicks free of weeds,
To try again to tread the paths
That only Hermes sees, heedless of the voice that tells him:
Be a man, and all a man can be. It is enough.

Sometimes conversations with friends can take you in interesting directions...

8:48am: Sol Invictus

This is my least favourite time of year — during this week my household are off work, sleeping in and bonding in my absence, it's the darkest it's going to be getting up in the mornings, and the last 5 years of this week have been characterised by:

2010 — Recovering from a nasty 'flu bout.
2009 — Starting to get the 'flu.
2008 — Recovering from major surgery.
2007 — Starting austerity measures.
2006 — Unemployed and desperate for work.
2005 — Unemployed and desperate for work.

However, it's also had some moments of sheer awesome — see 2005 and 2008 for: start of current relationship, and Yule Kapow! for example.

So fuck it. The light returns. In fact, the darkest night is over…

So: a poem written over the last couple of days for y'all who likewise find this week difficult:

So. It's that time of year
And for once,
Instead of limping and cursing
I'm trying to embrace it
Rather than disgrace myself

It's hard.
I'm fighting urges deep ingrained
This is a time for flight —
Migration stilled as we
Lost our wings,
Burrowed deep.

But even sleep's denied;
Hibernation fit only
For those that still
Shit in the woods
And so I rise
Quipping,
Chipping away at my nature
Chasing sunrise
With lights and social media,
Beating back the dark grey,
The mutterings that twine my head
Bury them in tea and time-checks,
Pleasant alarms and obsessive preparations.

All this dark week I will be
Blessing radiators,
Instant porridge and herbal infusions,
The passionate profusion of Twitter,
My East-facing bird-songed garden,
Where I turn my clanging head
To witness his return.

And, in turn, I'll celebrate
The long nights,
These flights into the dark,
Where bright words and music
Clap fear into submission,
And love can warm us all the more.

Happy Yule, everyone.

12:51am: From Twitter, Thursday, 10-20-2011
0:39 AM - Just got back from rocking Luton - well, suporting the rocking of Lee Nelson, @rtjpoet, MMT, and Poetry Sista Danni. Oh and John Hegley! :)

0:50 AM - Today contained a lot of victories - personal and professional. I am knackered, but it has been rather an ace day. Big love, y'all.

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11:42pm: From Twitter, Tuesday, 10-18-2011
1:34 PM - My grandfather: http://t.co/21PVXmW6

2:28 PM - @pathwalkdotorg Thanks. He died of a massive coronary at 93, having driven himself down to his insurers. Irony's sometimes awesome.

2:30 PM - @pathwalkdotorg We weren't that close; I hadn't seen him since he moved to Australia in 1979, but he was my grandpa, yanno?

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2:57pm: Hello, Lazywebs - anyone used Mantis to log software bugs?

I've been asked to review it and can't until we've installed it on a webhost… :-s

This is an entirely work query and thus I'd really appreciate honest and useful answers! :)

Cheers, all.

11:44pm: From Twitter, Saturday, 10-8-2011
10:45 PM - From Twitter, Friday, 10-7-2011 http://j.mp/najIF5


4:14 PM - Latest Poetry Kapow! Spamphile: http://t.co/8km24QkU

4:29 PM - RT @Oglaf: New Oglaf: http://t.co/L91FUC7t (2 pages)

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10:45pm: From Twitter, Friday, 10-7-2011
10:20 PM - From Twitter, Thursday, 10-6-2011 http://j.mp/rqzcl3

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10:20pm: From Twitter, Thursday, 10-6-2011
10:00 PM - From Twitter, Wednesday, 10-5-2011 http://j.mp/o5pN0X

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10:00pm: From Twitter, Wednesday, 10-5-2011
10:20 PM - From Twitter, Wednesday, 10-5-2011 http://j.mp/nDBkHI

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10:20pm: From Twitter, Wednesday, 10-5-2011
0:10 AM - would just like to say, to all creators of malware out there: fuck you very much. That's my work computer. You know? for my JOB OF WORK?

0:11 AM - RT @h0mfr0g: In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. On Sesame Street, it's your Count that votes. Ah-ah-ah! #occupysesamestreet

0:11 AM - RT @Robertauton: There is a toothfairy in the graveyard digging for teeth

0:19 AM - @Robertauton come see HB and John Osborne up with us in that Cambridge next Wednesday - only 45 mins on the train! :)

1:43 AM - From Twitter, Wednesday, 10-5-2011 http://j.mp/o02SXe

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1:43am: From Twitter, Wednesday, 10-5-2011
0:10 AM - would just like to say, to all creators of malware out there: fuck you very much. That's my work computer. You know? for my JOB OF WORK?

0:11 AM - RT @h0mfr0g: In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. On Sesame Street, it's your Count that votes. Ah-ah-ah! #occupysesamestreet

0:11 AM - RT @Robertauton: There is a toothfairy in the graveyard digging for teeth

0:19 AM - @Robertauton come see HB and John Osborne up with us in that Cambridge next Wednesday - only 45 mins on the train! :)

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3:28am: From Twitter, Monday, 10-3-2011
10:43 PM - @laprariecpnsw5 don't take this the wrong way, but: fuck off, spambot!


2:10 AM - From Twitter, Monday, 10-3-2011 http://j.mp/qlFHdM

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2:10am: From Twitter, Monday, 10-3-2011
10:43 PM - @laprariecpnsw5 don't take this the wrong way, but: fuck off, spambot!

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1:01am: From Twitter, Sunday, 10-2-2011
11:08 PM - If any of you haven't seen PotC4 yet, don't make the same mistake I did - see it under the influence of something. Sobriety lacked kindness.

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7:43pm: From Twitter, Friday, 9-30-2011
5:20 PM - From Twitter, Thursday, 9-29-2011 http://j.mp/rjRqv6


3:59 PM - finished Abarat: Absolute Midnight by Clive Barker. and am a little disappointed. http://t.co/V2CJrcE4 #Kindle

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5:20pm: From Twitter, Thursday, 9-29-2011
5:00 PM - From Twitter, Thursday, 9-29-2011 http://j.mp/py1nLt

11:14 PM - Argh. Turns out I can't stand for 30 minutes when I miss the late bus. Should have got a taxi after all. Or insisted on sitting down…

11:15 PM - No more spoons for you!

11:20 PM - Dear Middle-Aged Property Developer, it's not that we don't understand how frightfully rich you are, we just don't care. Walking away now…

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5:00pm: From Twitter, Thursday, 9-29-2011
0:19 PM - This week can generally be summarised by: Foxtrot Foxtrot Sierra.

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8:24pm: From Twitter, Saturday, 9-24-2011
11:57 PM - Just hit the "played too much Plants vs. Zombies" mark. Hit and passed, in all honesty…

11:59 PM - Today: played PvZ, read, got a massage, watched 30 Rock, ate, watched X Men 3, played more, went to bed. Not bad, really… :)


0:20 AM - From Twitter, Saturday, 9-24-2011 http://j.mp/pHp8kN

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12:20am: From Twitter, Saturday, 9-24-2011
11:57 PM - Just hit the "played too much Plants vs. Zombies" mark. Hit and passed, in all honesty…

11:59 PM - Today: played PvZ, read, got a massage, watched 30 Rock, ate, watched X Men 3, played more, went to bed. Not bad, really… :)

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10:48pm: From Twitter, Thursday, 9-22-2011
10:20 PM - From Twitter, Wednesday, 9-21-2011 http://j.mp/n5TvwY

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10:20pm: From Twitter, Wednesday, 9-21-2011
10:20 PM - From Twitter, Wednesday, 9-21-2011 http://j.mp/mSJUpJ

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10:20pm: From Twitter, Wednesday, 9-21-2011
6:55 PM - Just taken part in an excellent (free!) workshop led by @jsamlarose in Norwich - brilliant use of a leave day! :D #shakethedust

8:29 PM - finished The Reckoning by Kelley Armstrong. I wonder if that'd be as bad as confessing to Twilight? http://t.co/qC1y0fwj #Kindle

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10:00pm: From Twitter, Wednesday, 9-7-2011
9:54 PM - Back on it. Sorry for the break in service - will be getting back to grips with the Poetry Kapow! Calendar tonight… :)

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